It’s Complicated

Complicated Grief

That’s what I was told I’m experiencing. This was new to me. There’s something else besides grief.

I laughed.
I didn’t mean to.
It just happened.


The more she explained it, the more it all started to make sense. My entire life has been complicated. Meeting new people and answering their questions is complicated.

“How many siblings do you have? Where are you from?”

That question still causes me to stop and think.

Just answer the question.
Tell them the truth.
Just don’t make it sound so complicated.


Maybe one day I’ll be able to answer those questions. Until then, I’ll just stick to it’s complicated.


June 15, 2016

I spent most of the day trying to think of the right words to say.
I typed a paragraph and deleted it all because it didn’t seem right.
It still doesn’t seem right….

I read the article from the news sites and I’m left wondering why.
Why were they arguing? Why did she walk?

I hate when people fight.  I don’t argue. I don’t yell. Especially when it’s someone I care about. It isn’t worth it.


Ebi- my sister, my friend
You were loved by so many people.
I hope now you are flying high.
At peace.
Free from the pain.
Finally free.



the wall

Start the wall.

They’re yelling.
Make it stronger.

It happened again.
Make it stronger.

Don’t tell anyone.
Make it stronger.

This is not love.
Make it stronger.

The right one will listen.
The right one will let you cry.
The right one will hold you.
The right one will listen.

End the wall.




ten years later

I wonder if you know how much pain you caused me ten years ago. The beginning of 9th grade was terrible. Because of you, I was leaving school early. Because of you, I was lying to my mother. It took over a month for her to realize what kind of mess I was in and she got your mother involved. But that didn’t do anything. Because your mother didn’t believe that you would act like that to the girl that was your best friend.

Apparently we were just being girls.

All the laughing, eye rolling, and dirty looks- burned.

You were so fake. Act one way in the hallway and then after school message me some story about how you were so sorry and that you were only acting that way because of the other people you were around.

I believed you.

It took until we were college roommates for me to realize that I shouldn’t of let you back into my life when that opportunity came.

You didn’t deserve that chance.

You were my bully.


Ten years later, I find myself sharing some of my experiences with a 14 year old girl getting ready to start high school in the fall.

All I can hope is that she isn’t left in the hallway by the girl that she calls her best friend.