A Glass of Water is Like…

Last week I saw a video about a glass of water and how it relates to a person when they think about the burdens in their life. As a person that has been living with severe anxiety for over ten years I know the struggle of not being able to put the glass down.
The past few months have been a roller coaster of stress and change. Some of the changes I controlled and others were unexpected. A mix of good and bad. But since it wasn’t my first time experiencing that, I figured I could handle it on my own.
But I was wrong.
I slowly started turning into someone I didn’t recognize anymore.
I became more irritable and slipping to a place I didn’t want to be in.
That is why I made the decision to start seeing a therapist and be placed on a proper medication to manage my anxiety.

Background Info– Last year when I talked to my primary about medication for my anxiety she first had me see a cardiologist. Because of my symptoms during an attack and her noticing that I had a heart murmur she wanted to make sure there were no underlying issues. She gave me a prescription for when I felt an attack coming on and told me to see a therapist. The cardiologist had me wear a heart monitor for three weeks, and the results showed that I have a high heart rate. Everything else was normal. Which was great!
It proved that the pain I’ve been experiencing for years was from an anxiety attack.

It took over a year for me to make the call to start seeing a therapist. I am lucky that I was directed towards another medical professional that is working with me to make sure I am on the correct daily medication. I believe strongly in the power of therapy and medication.

What is it like to have an anxiety disorder?
I overthink everything!
Example: Last weekend my boyfriend asked me to decide on the time of the movie we were going to see. Seems simple right? Well, not for me. Had to pick the location, they each had different times because some were 2D and 3D, which then changed when we’d have to leave. I was so annoyed that he wouldn’t just decide. But he wasn’t going to, I had to pick, so I did. Only took 45minutes. Drove to the theater, got tickets, sat down, and during the first 10 minutes of the movie I’m telling my brain to shut up about having to make the decision about the movies. Eventually that thought stopped and I enjoyed the movie. Got home, laid down, and what comes back… the same one from three hours earlier. By this point I was angry with myself. I’m trying to tell my brain to shut up. There was no point in thinking about something that happened hours ago. My heart was beating faster, and I’m trying to take deep breaths to calm down and think about breathing instead of that annoying thought that decided to pop back into my head. And eventually, I fell asleep.

Dealing with situations like that everyday is exhausting. I’ve made the choice that I want to be able to put the glass down at the end of the day. Ten years was long enough. I don’t want to lose the important people in my life. Because of my anxiety, it’s causing me to overthink all of their actions and push them away. I need those people in my life.
If you are one of them that happens to be reading this: THANK YOU.
Thank you for being part of my life, and choosing to stay in it. Thank you for listening when I need to vent. Thank you for understanding that sometimes I don’t know why I do or say what I do. Thank you for loving me. Quirks and all. Thank you for being supportive of this road to a better life.

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Piano

Music. Thank god for music. I’ve always relied on music to calm my mind and heart. Doesn’t everyone? When I heard the song “Piano” by Cassadee Pope, I had an instant chill come over me.  I was trying so hard to keep those feelings away.

Our past experiences make us who we are today. I learned so much about myself and what I want in my life by doing something I told myself I’d never do. Saying goodbye to the man I spent most of the last five years with wasn’t easy. In the end, happiness is what we both wanted and it wasn’t with each other.

 

To the girl that thinks she can change him.
You can’t.
To the girl that thinks making continued excuses for his actions is ok.
It’s not.
To the girl that thinks he loves her even though he doesn’t say it.
He doesn’t.
To the girl that thinks she can keep suppressing her desire for
the ring, the ceremony, and a family.
You can’t.
To the girl that thinks she won’t be able to find someone better.
You can.

“You played me like a piano
You made it sound pretty, stringing me along
I fell for every note… All the big things started out small
All of a sudden, I had two hearts
One was so blind, one was too smart
And the weakest part of me wouldn’t let go… Thank you and I guess I’ll thank myself
Smart girls don’t let this kind of thing happen twice
I’ll never let anyone else”

Piano- Summer EP by Cassadee Pope

It’s Complicated

Complicated Grief

That’s what I was told I’m experiencing. This was new to me. There’s something else besides grief.

I laughed.
I didn’t mean to.
It just happened.

 

The more she explained it, the more it all started to make sense. My entire life has been complicated. Meeting new people and answering their questions is complicated.

“How many siblings do you have? Where are you from?”

That question still causes me to stop and think.

Just answer the question.
Tell them the truth.
Just don’t make it sound so complicated.

 

Maybe one day I’ll be able to answer those questions. Until then, I’ll just stick to it’s complicated.

 

June 15, 2016

I spent most of the day trying to think of the right words to say.
I typed a paragraph and deleted it all because it didn’t seem right.
It still doesn’t seem right….

I read the article from the news sites and I’m left wondering why.
Why were they arguing? Why did she walk?
Why? 

I hate when people fight.  I don’t argue. I don’t yell. Especially when it’s someone I care about. It isn’t worth it.

image

Ebi- my sister, my friend
You were loved by so many people.
I hope now you are flying high.
At peace.
Free.
Free from the pain.
Finally free.

LITP
Once. ALWAYS.

 

the wall

Start the wall.

They’re yelling.
Make it stronger.

It happened again.
Make it stronger.

Don’t tell anyone.
Make it stronger.

This is not love.
Make it stronger.

The right one will listen.
The right one will let you cry.
The right one will hold you.
The right one will listen.

End the wall.

 

 

 

ten years later

I wonder if you know how much pain you caused me ten years ago. The beginning of 9th grade was terrible. Because of you, I was leaving school early. Because of you, I was lying to my mother. It took over a month for her to realize what kind of mess I was in and she got your mother involved. But that didn’t do anything. Because your mother didn’t believe that you would act like that to the girl that was your best friend.

Apparently we were just being girls.

All the laughing, eye rolling, and dirty looks- burned.

You were so fake. Act one way in the hallway and then after school message me some story about how you were so sorry and that you were only acting that way because of the other people you were around.

I believed you.

It took until we were college roommates for me to realize that I shouldn’t of let you back into my life when that opportunity came.

You didn’t deserve that chance.

You were my bully.

 

Ten years later, I find myself sharing some of my experiences with a 14 year old girl getting ready to start high school in the fall.

All I can hope is that she isn’t left in the hallway by the girl that she calls her best friend.